Friday, 22 December 2017

Mrs Angry

I've been feeling strange of late.  It's coming up to Christmas and even though my chemotherapy and radiotherapy is now over and my tree is up, I don't feel very Christmassy at all.  I want to feel euphoric, I want to embrace this time of year like never before, I want to cherish every moment, I want to look at the lights on the tree and and be excited.  But I don't feel any of that.  I feel empty.  I feel down.  And that makes me feel both guilty and angry.   

I know I should be grateful to be cancer free.  I could've been in a far worse position this Christmas than I actually am.  Anyone who is still living with cancer and may not be looking forward to Christmas or the year ahead, my heart goes out to you.  

I'm now feeling angry that I got cancer in the first place. I'm angry that the disease could rear its ugly head again at ANY time in the future.  I'm angry that cancer is clever and cunning and smart and nasty and evil.  

I don't think I'm enjoying life as much as I thought I would be post-cancer.  I'm not doing all the mad things that I said I would do after treatment was over, or even actively planning to do them.  I'm not laughing as much or as loudly as I used to (many people may be relieved to hear that).  My husband has said to me that I'm not as bubbly as I used to be.  I'm not waking up and feeling blessed that I'm still alive.  

Perhaps it's the hormone therapy (Anastrozole) that's making me feel this way.  I have bone pain and am tired a lot of the time.  It could also be because I'm no longer in the precious cocoon of treatment and forensic care and I don't have that reassuring safety net.  

I understand from speaking to people that what I'm feeling is not unheard of and is quite 'normal'.  That doesn't reassure me or make me feel any better.

I feel guilty that I feel this way.  I just can't get my head around any of this.  I am sure it will get better.  I really hope it will.

Anyway, time for me to shut up and not to be so self-pitying!  Thank you for reading my blogs.  I really do appreciate it.   

I do hope that you all have an enjoyable Christmas/holiday and a happy (or happier) 2018.  And if you're going through a tough time, hold your head up and keep going.  Easier said than done, but as an inspirational woman with advanced cancer recently said to me, "Some of us are brave. All of us are strong."  Too bloody right.

Much love, Karen.


  1. Ah Karen give yourself a break. Stop for a minute and just breathe or just be. You've come a long way in a short time. You're not out of the woods yet but hopefully you will be and soon.
    Enjoy your Christmas. You deserve it
    Elly xx

    1. Thank you Elly, I sometimes forget what I've been through and am probably being a bit too hard on myself. I hope you have a wonderful new year and all the best for 2018. Love, Karen xx

  2. I want really to tell you thanks for this most helpful information.

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    1. Thank you. I'm glad you've found it helpful. Happy new year xx

  3. Happy New Year Karen. I can relate to what you're saying as i felt a bit flat after my treatment finished and found it hard to get my head around having to take tablets for the next 5 years with all the side effects. I think it's about getting your head in the right place but not sure how to explain it properly and being kind to yourself - you've been through a lot of treatment and it will take time for your body and mind to recover. Here's to a healthy new year. Love Michelle x

    1. Hi Michelle, thank you for your comment. I've just written an updated blog as I'm now feeling much better. I hope you have a happy and healthy new year too. Loads of love, Karen xx

  4. And a happy new year from the man from the top of the mountain lol. Try to keep cheery, it's the only Karen I know. I'll be looking for you at the Antrim get together which I heard about briefly and I can't remember a thing about it, only that it's in Antrim.


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