I've been feeling strange of late. It's coming up to Christmas and even though my chemotherapy and radiotherapy is now over and my tree is up, I don't feel very Christmassy at all. I want to feel euphoric, I want to embrace this time of year like never before, I want to cherish every moment, I want to look at the lights on the tree and and be excited. But I don't feel any of that. I feel empty. I feel down. And that makes me feel both guilty and angry.
I know I should be grateful to be cancer free. I could've been in a far worse position this Christmas than I actually am. Anyone who is still living with cancer and may not be looking forward to Christmas or the year ahead, my heart goes out to you.
I'm now feeling angry that I got cancer in the first place. I'm angry that the disease could rear its ugly head again at ANY time in the future. I'm angry that cancer is clever and cunning and smart and nasty and evil.
I don't think I'm enjoying life as much as I thought I would be post-cancer. I'm not doing all the mad things that I said I would do after treatment was over, or even actively planning to do them. I'm not laughing as much or as loudly as I used to (many people may be relieved to hear that). My husband has said to me that I'm not as bubbly as I used to be. I'm not waking up and feeling blessed that I'm still alive.
Perhaps it's the hormone therapy (Anastrozole) that's making me feel this way. I have bone pain and am tired a lot of the time. It could also be because I'm no longer in the precious cocoon of treatment and forensic care and I don't have that reassuring safety net.
I understand from speaking to people that what I'm feeling is not unheard of and is quite 'normal'. That doesn't reassure me or make me feel any better.
I feel guilty that I feel this way. I just can't get my head around any of this. I am sure it will get better. I really hope it will.
Anyway, time for me to shut up and not to be so self-pitying! Thank you for reading my blogs. I really do appreciate it.
I do hope that you all have an enjoyable Christmas/holiday and a happy (or happier) 2018. And if you're going through a tough time, hold your head up and keep going. Easier said than done, but as an inspirational woman with advanced cancer recently said to me, "Some of us are brave. All of us are strong." Too bloody right.
Much love, Karen.